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Shadows in the folds

Giles Deleuze’s book The Fold, he described memory as a membrane stretched across an empty attic. Every memory, every impression, leaves a permanent fold or ripple in the membrane. It’s not quite like the ridges and folds of the brain, which are established when a child is forty weeks, because the folds of the membrane continue to shift and twist our entire lives.

When I was growing up my mother and father talked a lot about what it was like in the 1940s. She frequently told me that people can take anything away from you. Anything but your education, intelligence and imagination. But when the mets spread to my brain in November, the cancer went after the one area that terrified me the most.

deleuze-maison-baroque

 

I was lucky to have seemed to respond well to my first while brain radiation and my overall weakness got stronger and even my cognition seemed better, but the biggest success was my MRI in December. The lesions were gone! We felt like we won.

Until three months later in March and my next MRI. The lesions were not only back, but there were a lot more of them. I had another round of whole brain radiation (apparently the last I’m allowed) and my MRI last week showed the lesions have shrunk, but like last time, I have to wait three months for the ultimate results.

I’m going to try to end this post on a positive note. My brain still works, I’m writing, I’m walking a lot more, and I’m teaching two classes this fall.

So they haven’t taken my education, intelligence and imagination.

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7 thoughts on “Shadows in the folds

  1. It’s hard to explain how brave I think you are – I know that’s a word that’s been emptied out of meaning on other blogs. But I mean it, with the integrity of the word ‘brave’ intact. I keep thinking about you these days, and I felt I had to let you know this. And no, they haven’t taken away your education, intelligence and imagination.

  2. dear acacia,

    I am late to comment on your post, but hope you will accept my fondest wishes, my most powerful vibes to make your MRI bring you very good news. being able to realize the things cancer, fucking, fucking cancer has not taken away – your brain’s abilities, nor stolen your intelligence, and can never relieve you of your education is HUGE, and a mighty triumph. thinking, writing, walking lots more AND teaching 2 classes this fall is nothing short of a middle finger salute to THE BEAST. good for you!

    much love and light to keep helping you find your way,

    Karen, TC XOXO

  3. From a fellow met TNBC, thanks for “keeping it real.” It’s a wonder we don’t spring a brain aneurysm just from the moments of sheer stress & terror in the 3 month wait and the enormous losses we suffer. You are not alone in your suffering.

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