my cancer

Expletive Deleted

My maternal grandparents were orthodox Jews who immigrated to the United States fleeing the pogroms in Poland. The history and experiences of the Ashkenazi Jews informed a great deal of what my mother taught me, the  greatest of which was that the only thing of real value, that you can truly own, is your education. It is the only thing that no one can take from you.

Except, apparently cancer. My empty-headed (petite mal) doll moment led to something much more dire. After a visit to my GP she ordered a MRI and a PET scan for this week. Last Sunday evening I was watching television and the next think I knew, Todd was trying to get me to talk to him. I’d had a grande mal seizure. It took my a couple hours to come back from it where I could answer questions verbally. I understood what was being said to me, but I couldn’t get myself to talk. We went to the ER and they did a CT scan that showed brain metastases. A lot of them.

Seventeen of them, in point of fact. The largest of which measures almost an inch on the MRI. Apparently my only option with so many is whole brain radiation therapy, which, from what I understand, can only be done once.

They kept me in the hospital until yesterday and last night it was so freaking nice to sleep in my own bed. Todd slept in bed with me in the hospital which made me feel safer, but neither of us got much rest.

I seem to have my memory, pretty clear cognition and no more seizures thus far (knock wood.) But not a lot of sense of the future holds.


11 thoughts on “Expletive Deleted

  1. dear acacia,

    i am a new reader to your blog. i am so very sorry for what you are going through with this horrid new battle. my one word mantra since diagnosis has been, “BELIEVE”, not anything religious, just a way to knock fear on it’s behind, and get on with what ever one has to do. please know i will be “BELIEVING” for you and your darling todd as you go through radiation. i hope you won’t mind if i send you a warm cyber hug.

    karen, TC

    • Dear Karen,

      Believe is a powerful word, and I believe in the amazing people I’ve met in person and on line. The fearless friends, lovers, doctors, researchers…I am surrounded by and benefit from the talents and loving kindness of extraordinary human beings. And I’ll take all the cyber-hugs I can get!


  2. f***!F***!!! All I think about as I read this. And not f*** in a despairing way, but in an angry way as I cannot believe this is happening. You know you have my heart and soul praying and following you. Please leet us posted and lots, lots of cyber love

  3. Oh Gosling… I’m so sorry. That is utterly sucktacular. Not least because tonic-clonics are hideous bloody things so as ways to discover tumours go that’s pretty vicious.

    I quite want to kick the universe in the head. Hard. Wearing brand new pointe shoes. With the hardest box available.


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