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Here’s where I am

I have a number of blogs. On being an adult ballet student. On things I find interesting (mostly for writing practice.) I even have a blog about my cancer on mylifeline.org that goes out to friends, family and colleagues. And friends, family and colleagues don’t want to hear the truth. Sure, I can tell them that I feel tired, or that chemo is hard, but every post requires a happy ending. The site even gives you pointers each time you write a new post: “Add a picture for visual interest!” “Tell the truth, but don’t be morose.” “Try to end on a positive note so people will come back and read more!”

But not here. This isn’t for anyone but me. You’re welcome here, but please don’t censor me. I am surrounded by people who love me and yet invalidate my thoughts and feelings by either not letting me express them (“don’t talk like that, you’ll be fine”) or by belittling them (We’re all going to die, you don’t really know if this cancer will kill you”). I know why they do it, I love the intention, and I fucking hate them, just a little bit, every time they do it.

I’m also angry (I don’t remember which phase that is.) Angry that my oncologist blew me off after I told her my cough had lasted six weeks after the flu that started it. Angry that my gp just decided it was asthma without any tests. Angry that I’m going to die from this shit.

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